Day ruiner
At least I got to ride the Baby D today....
Stay classy
＊A new year＊A new beginning＊
2012:
A year of growing and a year of letting go.
A year of becoming a better person but losing a big part of myself.
2013:
The first year of the rest of my life.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Be happy and healthy by yourself or you can never be completely happy with anyone else.
Learn from the past but cut the chain and watch the anchor sink to the depths.
Less judgement, more empathy.
Grounded, centered, finding the future.
This is my new year's card.
Somehow not complete.
I am thankful for my family and friends.
I wouldn't have survived this year without you.
Roots.
Hope for the future.
Growing strong.
New life.
Near to my heart.
Building up.
Best of times.
Love lost.
Road trips.
Heavy hitters.
Persistence.
Leap of faith.
Thanksgiving of Horses
It had probably been 20 years since I rode a horse before last weekend.
Credit and Blue
I grew up around horses but didn't ever really get to know any of them.
I had some bad experiences when I was younger that made me not trust them.
These horses don't know me well either, I usually only say hi to them once when I'm around.
I have read and heard that horses are really sensitive to human emotion.
Before I rode Credit I wanted to hang out with him for a little bit because I didn't want him to be scared or anxious about me riding. While I was brushing him, at one point he nuzzled in my chest for a little bit and looked at me as if to say everything is going to be okay......
I am sorry I waited so long to connect with these guys.
I hope I can hang out with them more in the spring.
Loving Cafe with Z and S.
Dad and his Deere.
THIS is how you unload a bandsaw.
Brake pad change with Happy dad.
.38 rounds in a 357. Not bad? I don't know.
Last weekend seems like such a distant memory.
Re-living the nightmare.
Embracing the pain.
Trying my best to stay strong for him.
Losing myself in the sadness.
November 28th.
The day that could have been a life changer.
Could have silenced the doubt and quieted the fears buried under the floorboards.
Could have sowed the seeds of future happiness and brought everyone back together again.
The most important decision of my life and I am not allowed to make it anymore.
Dark days.
I hope I made you feel less alone through this dark time in your life. Even though I knew it would probably come to an end and you would cut me off again, it was the least I could do after putting your through what I did years ago. I owe you so much more and can only dream of being able to get a chance to make it up to you.
I am thankful I had one last chance to feel close to you, to hear your voice again.
Your warm embrace.
I am grateful to have had the chance to let you know exactly how I felt and know that you understood and believed me.
To know that I did everything I could have possibly done.
Being able to talk to you lifted my spirits for a couple of days.
Lifted the pain and made me feel lighter.
Free again, almost like when we were together.
I am no fool though, I saw it looming above.
Casting it’s shadow the whole time.
Only you had the strength to lift it off of me for that short time.
Some day I will be able to do move it on my own.
But not today.
Welcome to the Operating Room
Only a few little things left to do.
Put up the hardboard art wall and cast iron stars last night.
Moyou is all set up out here too.
It has been hard to touch this space since she moved on.
In a lot of ways this is a physical representation of what I did wrong in our relationship.
Too much focus on everything but her.
This is my last installment of grief.
It's a struggle everyday. The lump in my throat and knot in my stomach have set up permanent residence. Letting go and moving on are two things my heart does not excel at.
If you want to have it all, you have to let it all go.
もう遅い。。
無理だ
Quotes to get you by
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
-Havelock Ellis
Happy in new love, I am surely the farthest thing from her mind, though she is the only thing on mine.
-me
-Havelock Ellis
Happy in new love, I am surely the farthest thing from her mind, though she is the only thing on mine.
-me
Care package.
I have the best sister in the world.
Thank you for trying to cheer me up when I am down.
I just wish I could eat the cookies....
My nieces make me want kids.
Now that will probably never happen.
Elephants
Never forget.
And I will always regret.
Each time I took her for granted.
Every time I raised my voice.
Every time I should have been giving her flowers and saying I'm sorry.
Instead of running away.
She gave me the only thing I ever needed.
The key to her heart.
I didn't know what I had.
Until it was too late.
Each time I took her for granted.
Every time I raised my voice.
Every time I should have been giving her flowers and saying I'm sorry.
Instead of running away.
She gave me the only thing I ever needed.
The key to her heart.
I didn't know what I had.
Until it was too late.
Sadness
At night it creeps in like the cold through the cracks of my weathered front door.
Surrounding me.
Consuming me.
I miss her more each day.
Wrong mouth.
Cathy! That dude on your left woke up.
He is ready to put away the sports page.
He has realized what he had sitting next to him. . . . .
Grief
Losing it.
I will call this grief. Separation through death is not the only way we experience grief. Any event or incident that evokes disappointment, pain and hurt can result in grief.
Separation through moving away can grieve people as deeply as separation through death. It can often worsen because the lost object is still around, making it difficult for the grief victim to put a closure to the painful experience.
One loss nearly everyone knows is the loss of a relationship. This may involve friends, colleagues or lovers. Even in an illicit relationship that has come to an end, a loss is experienced. In fact, when we lose a person, we often lose the friends and acquaintances (including family members) associated with that person. What follows is often a sense of emptiness, and trying to fill the vacuum can be insurmountable.
Any loss that causes some form of upheaval in life evokes grief. But the intensity of grief varies, with minor upheavals causing transient feelings of disappointment and major upheavals causing pain which can continue for a long, long time. Severe grief can also lead to psychiatric illness, especially when the victim cannot cope with the experience or when the emotions seem overwhelming.
The grieving process
The first thing we need to realize is that grief is a normal response to a painful event. It is irrelevant whether the loss evolves around things, people, events, time, youth, self esteem or identity. What matters is the realization that a chain of reactions and responses follows every loss and this is called a grief reaction. There is nothing we can do about it. The more we try to resist or deny the reaction, the more we struggle with our recovery. The five stages of grief are:
Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance or resolution.
Denial
It does not matter whether the loss was anticipated or not, the immediate response is shock. Just as the body goes into shock after a serious injury, the mind and spirit go into shock after an emotional blow. Following the shock there is a sense of disbelief and numbness. This is an experience of denial. It is natural for us to denial a reality that we are not ready to accept.
It is important for the grieving person in any circumstances not to continue in denial indefinitely. It becomes critical at some point to face reality. The key to breaking through the wall of denials is time and the opportunity to talk about the grief as well as the permission to cry.
Persons still suffering from denial or prolonged shocks are also capable of making rash or inappropriate decisions. It is an impulsive decision and usually worsens the situation.
Anger
The roller coaster of emotions that follows denial includes being angry. It seems so natural to be angry when you lose something and cannot find it back.
The problem with anger is that it can be destructive. It can run into bitter resentment and lead the grief victim into all kinds of self destruction behavior and physical hostility towards others or himself.
Anger is an integral part of normal grieving or loss and accepting that we can feel angry and expressing this emotion appropriately is so important if we are to overcome grief. Denying will not make it disappear. We need to learn that feeling angry is just like feeling sad, or glad or even bad. They pop in and out of our minds all the time.
Closely related to anger is the feeling of guilt. These feelings of guilt arise from something which we did or said but wished we had not. Feelings of guilt are the hallmark of the grief process not to be obsessed with them would inevitably slow down recovery as well as generate lots of anger on things that cannot be changed.
Depression
It is important to understand that while you are grieving you will inevitably feel sad, and everything seems pointless. Painful memories linger on your mind and make you sadder. But you need to come to realization that accepting the loss is the only way out and it is time to redirect your energies towards the future.
Bargaining
This is the next stage of the process. It can be seen as an attempt, albeit a desperate one, to be in control. To want things as they were, to push back the clock. Bargaining is not all bad for a while. It is protective in that we do not have to face reality when we are not ready. It gives us a sense of being in control temporarily.
Acceptance or resolution
This is the last stage of grief. All that has gone on before, propels the griever into the final stage of acceptance.
Acceptance is not a stage in which we stick our heads into the sand and act as if nothing has happened. If we refuse to accept things, we will get stuck in the grief process itself. It becomes toxic.
Acceptance requires great amount of courage to accept things that cannot be changed, to let go of the pain, to trust that healing will eventually come and to have a desire to rejoin life again.
How do we work through the journey of grief? We arrive at our destination which is acceptance….
I will call this grief. Separation through death is not the only way we experience grief. Any event or incident that evokes disappointment, pain and hurt can result in grief.
Separation through moving away can grieve people as deeply as separation through death. It can often worsen because the lost object is still around, making it difficult for the grief victim to put a closure to the painful experience.
One loss nearly everyone knows is the loss of a relationship. This may involve friends, colleagues or lovers. Even in an illicit relationship that has come to an end, a loss is experienced. In fact, when we lose a person, we often lose the friends and acquaintances (including family members) associated with that person. What follows is often a sense of emptiness, and trying to fill the vacuum can be insurmountable.
Any loss that causes some form of upheaval in life evokes grief. But the intensity of grief varies, with minor upheavals causing transient feelings of disappointment and major upheavals causing pain which can continue for a long, long time. Severe grief can also lead to psychiatric illness, especially when the victim cannot cope with the experience or when the emotions seem overwhelming.
The grieving process
The first thing we need to realize is that grief is a normal response to a painful event. It is irrelevant whether the loss evolves around things, people, events, time, youth, self esteem or identity. What matters is the realization that a chain of reactions and responses follows every loss and this is called a grief reaction. There is nothing we can do about it. The more we try to resist or deny the reaction, the more we struggle with our recovery. The five stages of grief are:
Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance or resolution.
Denial
It does not matter whether the loss was anticipated or not, the immediate response is shock. Just as the body goes into shock after a serious injury, the mind and spirit go into shock after an emotional blow. Following the shock there is a sense of disbelief and numbness. This is an experience of denial. It is natural for us to denial a reality that we are not ready to accept.
It is important for the grieving person in any circumstances not to continue in denial indefinitely. It becomes critical at some point to face reality. The key to breaking through the wall of denials is time and the opportunity to talk about the grief as well as the permission to cry.
Persons still suffering from denial or prolonged shocks are also capable of making rash or inappropriate decisions. It is an impulsive decision and usually worsens the situation.
Anger
The roller coaster of emotions that follows denial includes being angry. It seems so natural to be angry when you lose something and cannot find it back.
The problem with anger is that it can be destructive. It can run into bitter resentment and lead the grief victim into all kinds of self destruction behavior and physical hostility towards others or himself.
Anger is an integral part of normal grieving or loss and accepting that we can feel angry and expressing this emotion appropriately is so important if we are to overcome grief. Denying will not make it disappear. We need to learn that feeling angry is just like feeling sad, or glad or even bad. They pop in and out of our minds all the time.
Closely related to anger is the feeling of guilt. These feelings of guilt arise from something which we did or said but wished we had not. Feelings of guilt are the hallmark of the grief process not to be obsessed with them would inevitably slow down recovery as well as generate lots of anger on things that cannot be changed.
Depression
It is important to understand that while you are grieving you will inevitably feel sad, and everything seems pointless. Painful memories linger on your mind and make you sadder. But you need to come to realization that accepting the loss is the only way out and it is time to redirect your energies towards the future.
Bargaining
This is the next stage of the process. It can be seen as an attempt, albeit a desperate one, to be in control. To want things as they were, to push back the clock. Bargaining is not all bad for a while. It is protective in that we do not have to face reality when we are not ready. It gives us a sense of being in control temporarily.
Acceptance or resolution
This is the last stage of grief. All that has gone on before, propels the griever into the final stage of acceptance.
Acceptance is not a stage in which we stick our heads into the sand and act as if nothing has happened. If we refuse to accept things, we will get stuck in the grief process itself. It becomes toxic.
Acceptance requires great amount of courage to accept things that cannot be changed, to let go of the pain, to trust that healing will eventually come and to have a desire to rejoin life again.
How do we work through the journey of grief? We arrive at our destination which is acceptance….
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